Mama Nuggle

So Monday will be my first day back at work. I am SO not looking forward to leaving my baby and my toddler at home. Without me. There, I’ve said it.

It doesn’t feel any better to have said it, but at least it’s my first step on the path from denial to acknowledgement.

Two years ago, at about this same time, I headed back to work after having my son Ty. My husband had been keeping an e-journal of Ty’s first 100 days at home after birth, a tome he called “Daddy’s Diary.” In it, he reflected on each new day with Ty, and the wondrous impact he made on our life. There were many introspective moments captured, some humorous, some poignant, some trying, some laughable, but most were just REAL.  Seeing those moments in print brought it all home, all those little moments we would have otherwise forgotten.

One of those particularly difficult moments was my first day back at work. I felt like a kid going to back to school after my first summer vacation - apprehensive, scared, excited, nervous, and emotional. Here’s a glimpse of what Jeremy wrote to sum up that day:

“Ty got up at 11:15 p.m.  I fed him until about midnight, and then he was out cold again. I think Lori got up with him around 5:00 a.m., and I don’t remember hearing him in between. As we agreed, I got up at 8:00 a.m. and was ready to take him by 8:20 a.m. This was Lori’s first day back to work that she had to leave the house. She didn’t want to give him up, and she fed him for 20 extra minutes while I got coffee and the newspaper and checked e-mail. I didn’t want to rush her out the door, as it was an emotional experience for her. [...] Ty and I gave Lori a big hug and kiss good-bye, and I told her not to worry and to have a good day…but don’t stay at work any longer than absolutely necessary. I’m sure that, in between tears, on her way to work Lori thought, ‘He’s never going to be able to do this.’”

What Jeremy didn’t write was that I really bawled the entire morning. I bawled like a baby who just lost his pacy. At the front door. Kissing Ty and Daddy goodbye. Getting into the car. On the way to work. The entire hour drive, I BAWLED. In between gasps and sobs, I called my mom, looking for some moral support. She tried, but it didn’t really help. She told me to just try to make it through the day, and that it would get easier. “Fat chance!” I thought. I was virtually inconsolable.

No, scratch that, I was a train wreck.

By the time I arrived at my destination, I looked like a cross between Tammy Faye Baker and Amy Winehouse. I had huge mascara clumps congealing on my cheekbones, eyeliner smeared and “winged” across my temples, and rivers of foundation streaking down my face. My nose was so red I gave Rudolph a run for his money. I knew this was going to not be a good day.

I wasn’t worried about Jeremy taking care of both Ty and Chani, who had just arrived the previous day. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but he was a great daddy, and I secretly felt he had it easy and was getting the better end of the deal. When you find yourself longing to be changing a poopy diaper instead of doing what you’re doing, you know you are in a bad place.

 

Somehow, I made it through the day. I can’t say I was effective. I can’t say I got any “real work” done. To be quite frank, I can’t even remember which stores I visited that day. It was all a blur.

 

Side note: While I was on leave, there were a few “fires” in my stores that my acting DSM attempted to put out. He did a great job, but was clearly overworked and undercompensated for his trouble. My temporary replacement was also “geographically challenged,” as he lived in NJ and my territory was MD/VA/PA/WV, which made just simply getting to a store to fix an issue a heckuva lot more challenging. But, they survived without me. And that lead me to think, “Why can’t they survive without me for just one more day? I don’t know how I am going to make it through this day, let alone seem professional and upbeat about being back!”

 

I do remember thinking - for about the thousandth time in a span of a few hours - about just getting the heck out of there and calling it a day. After all, I made the attempt and showed up. No one said I needed to be productive, did they? I could always be productive at another time, like say, next year.

 

I also remember the boobies being ready to explode, and I mentally used that excuse to cut my losses and bolt a little before 5 PM.  I remember the wave of calm that engulfed me as I walked in the door and picked up my baby and smothered him in kisses. I also recall how glad I was to be home and how tormented I was at the thought of doing it all again tomorrow.

 

As the days passed, it got easier. Ty was still not pleased when Mommy left and often pitched a crying fit upon seeing me gather up my things and head for the door. My heading to work routine soon sounded like this:

Ty would ask in this sad little voice, “Where mama? Where mama go?”

To which Jeremy would reply, “Mama’s going to work.”

And Ty would respond, “Mama go work? Bye- byes?”

Jeremy would then say, “Yep, mama went to work - she’ll see you later.”

And Ty would say “Mama work. Bye byes” - and promptly burst into tears.

Those were the days it was the hardest to leave. To this day, my mom thinks he’ll never want to go to work when he becomes an adult, because of the bad associations he has with that word!!!

 

Eventually, Ty got better at this part of our daily routine. He’d say ”‘Bye mama” as he waved and blew kisses. Later on, he added the “see ya gator” expression to his vocabulary, indicating he was OK with me leaving him in Daddy’s capable hands.

 

I’d like to say that it got to a point where I didn’t mind leaving. But, that would be a lie. It did get easier, particularly as Ty transitioned into the terrible two’s at about 15 months of age.  Though I felt bad for Jeremy on those days, there were a handful of moments where I was like “Peace out! Gotta go! Have fun with the crying screaming baby! See ya later!”  as I made a mad dash to the door.

 

There was an upside to all of this work nonsense, besides just getting paid. What I really took away from going back to work was a sense of better time management. I got a LOT of work done in the wee morning hours between 4:30 and 7 AM. I prioritized my e-mail and phone calls, and squeezed them in before and after my store visits. I multitasked by burning through literally thousands of cell phone minutes during my commute, which often stretched into ungodly realm of 5 or 6 hours a day .

 

Most importantly, it became easier to walk away from my job and call it a day, knowing that work could wait but my family couldn’t. A self-proclaimed workaholic, I suddenly realized that my work would never fully be done, and my to-do list would never be completely blank. And I accepted that. My colleagues noticed. My husband noticed. I noticed. And most importantly, Ty noticed.

 

I soon lived a new mantra: being a manager is NOT HOW I AM GOING TO DEFINE MY ROLE IN THIS LIFE.  It’s like the John Lennon quote, “LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU WHILE  YOU’RE BUSY MAKING OTHER PLANS.” 

 

I quickly realized I needed to be a wife and mother FIRST, and an employee second. It helped that Ty welcomed my return each day with his own fanfare - equivalent to a thousand Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parades. He’d stretch out his chubby arms and excitedly yell, ”Mama! Mama! Hi Mama! Mama HOME!” with a huge grin plastered across his cherubic little face. THAT ALONE WAS ENOUGH TO MAKE IT ALL WORTHWHILE.

 

I know that next week will not be easy. Let’s face it, it will probably suck. Running errands for a few hours without the kids is nothing like going back to work and leaving your newborn for the first time.

 

It’s going to be hard on all of us. Ty’s gotten used to having both Mommy and Daddy around. Caitlin has never gone more than 4 hours without me. And let’s face reality - Jeremy won’t have it easy either, as he will be in charge of a 12 week old AND a 27 month old. SIMULTANEOUSLY. And the “reinforcements” won’t be home for another 9 hours after I walk out that door in the morning. That is, of course, unless I hit the lottery this weekend, in which case, Sayonara! I won’t be going back at all!

 

But in reality, I’d like to think I’m a little better prepared for going back to work this time around. I bought waterproof mascara and eyeliner. I’ll skip the foundation. My support team is on-standby for my impending Chernobyl-like meltdown. I bought 8 boxes of Kleenex at Costco. I’m putting my game face on, and am psyching myself up like a starting quarterback before the Superbowl.  But we’ll get through it - I think. Wish me luck… and pass the Kleenex.

 

Anyone else relate to this moment? Moms? Dads? Let me know what YOUR family did to cope!

Hi everyone! I feel as if I have “arrived” in the blogosphere as Cory from agoodhusband.net asked me to participate in his new series “What’s it like being married to a dad blogger?”

Please take a moment to zip on over there and see what I REALLY think on this topics!

Just wanted to take a few moments to reflect on the amazing journey my precious princess Caitlin Arielle has made over the past 11 weeks:

Just born

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the NICU

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meeting her brother Ty for the first time 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today, healthy and thriving:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love you, baby Caitlin!