Mama Nuggle

Remember a few days ago I said that I was never this popular before having kids? Well, on Saturday, my in-laws came to see us and the rest of the family. Though we always see them during their summer vacations, this visit had a special purpose: to see the grandkids, new baby included. There are a few things we normally do when we are together: we indulge in good food, we sneak a peek at astronomically priced real estate and tour model homes for decorating ideas, and pay homage to the great American past time… no, not baseball. Shopping.

Yesterday, seven of us piled into an SUV to make an excursion “across the [Potomac] river” into that shopping mecca AKA Northern Virginia. You’ve never thought of NoVa as being a shopper’s paradise? Well, I am about to enlighten you.

Although this particular trip did not include a stop there, McLean, Virginia is home to Tysons Corner Center and Tysons Galleria. Our forefathers - smart men that they were - were prescient enough to build not one but two malls, across the street from one another. I use the word “street” loosely, because to get there you must navigate a 9 lane cluster****ed intersection known as Chain Bridge Road and International Drive. Combined, these two malls house 426 stores and restaurants, and form one of the largest malls on the east coast. Kind of like a Rapper’s Delight for shopaholics. At Christmas time, you need to allow an hour just to get out of the parking lots. I am not kidding.

Anyhoo, with seven passengers in one SUV - three of which are minors - we wisely decided to avoid the hallowed shopping grounds in McLean in favor of the only type of shopping Mr. Discovering Dad actually seems to somewhat enjoy…. OUTLET SHOPPING! I am not sure why men seem more willing to shop at outlets. But IMHO, I have noticed that men in general more willingly shop if it includes a hunt for bargains and the ability to get a tan while doing so. Voila! The perfect compromise!

So, we headed to Leesburg Outlets. They are quite possibly my favorite outlets, perhaps because they are also the closest to our house? Or maybe it’s because as a retail District Manager, I have previously supervised several stores in this center, so I am intimately familiar with it? Luckily for everyone involved, this particular destination permitted us to kill several birds with one stone, as the outlets are nestled right smack dab in the midst of some of the priciest real estate in the US. Think I am kidding? Since 2006, the highest average median home selling price by month in that zip code topped out at a whopping $727,000!!!

As the countryside rolled past, we oooohed and aaaahed over the McMansions nestled amidst a series of massive equestrian estates (you know, glorified farms. In all their sprawling splendor.) The sun was shining. It wasn’t too hot or humid. Toy Story 2 was blaring from the speakers as Ty watched, enthralled, like it wasn’t the seven billionth time he had seen it. The baby was sleeping soundly, happily munching on her pacy. We arrived and found a parking spot right up front, near the food court. Ty climbed into his stroller with little whining, and I tucked Caitlin into her snuggly Baby Bjorn carrier. Starbucks was our first destination, and *gasp* it did not have a line! Feeling the good karma, amazed at how smoothly everything was going, we began our bargain hunt in earnest.

Next stop: we cruised by one of my former stores, where the staff squealed at the sight of Princess Caitlin. They flirted with Ty, and commented on how grown up Chani is now, and how much the kids look like their very handsome daddy. (I am chopped liver, just so you know.) The “girls” proclaimed loudly that they missed me as their boss, and commiserated that they no longer work for me. They told me I looked skinny (woo hoo!) It was probably all lies, but it made me feel good anyway!

The day continued smashingly well, with Ty being oh-so-good. The hours flew by. We stuck pretty close together, only separating to duck into different stores before meeting back up. We found some good deals. I however, did not buy a single item for myself!

Chani was very patient, so her daddy took her to Aeropostale with Ty while I ducked into Gymboree to check out their big summer sale for deals. I mean, I know Caitlin doesn’t need a darn thing, but I was looking for stuff for next year, at rock bottom prices. Caitlin was having a refreshing drink of formula as I carried her in the Baby Bjorn.

I had quietly gathered a small pile of adorable mermaid and seahorse-themed clothes and had turned my attention to a crab print tank top for Ty when IT happened. The “other shoe” finally dropped. I felt this enormous gush of liquid that soaked my top, my WHITE shorts and the baby carrier as it ran down my leg, over my WHITE FABRIC wedges, and began pooling in a large puddle on the floor. In Gymboree, which was packed with other shoppers.

“What the hell!?!?!?” I thought. “It’s not like my water broke - I AM NO LONGER PREGNANT! What just happened!?!??!” And then it dawned on me:

In all my self-congratulating moments of what a perfect day it was turning out to be, I had neglected to remember just how UNabsorbent newborn diapers can be. Especially when they hadn’t been changed for oh, say, three hours?

Yes, that’s right folks, in my post-pregnancy, self-congratulating, senility-induced stupor, I had neglected to change Princess Caitlin’s panties since we arrived at the outlets, about 40 stores ago.

I haven’t decided whether this is the good or bad part yet, but the rest of the family had moved on to other stores. Thus, there were only total strangers around to witness my demise. Even worse was the realization that I had brought this on myself. I mean, what kind of an idiot besides me would forget to change a new baby’s diaper?!?!?  And yet, as uncomfortable as I now was, Princess Caitlin slept right through the floodgate of pee which had engulfed her mama.

You know when you feel like you are moving in slow motion? Yep, that was me. Each step felt like an eternity as I hurled myself towards the cash wrap, sneaking not-so-covert glances around at my fellow bargain shoppers to see if they noticed the spectacle that had just ensued. You see, along with the ginormous puddle of pee on the floor, the diaper continued to drip like a leaky faucet with each squishy step I took. My white shorts were now lightly tinged with a spreading yellow stain. With my face flaming red, I thrust a pile of clothes at the clerk and yelled that I’d be back later to buy them, while pee ran in streaming rivulets down my leg.

Can someone just please kill me now?

Outside, I couldn’t think where to go or what to do first. Suddenly, I spied it. My oasis. My salvation. A public restroom. YESSS!!!!!

I sprinted down the long corridor, sleeping baby in tow. “I made it! Woo Hoo! I can now start to peel this pee-soaked carrier off my body! I can free the baby from a watery prison! I can clean us both up!!!”

Or not.

You see, Jeremy had the diaper bag.

With the diapers.

And the wipes.

And Caitlin’s fresh change of clothes.

And he was currently stuck in the fitting rooms of Aeropostale - at the complete other end of the outlet center - with a 14 year old girl trying on masses of clothes just a few steps away. Oh, and did I mention Ty was with him, too?

To tell you the truth, he could have been hosting a dinner party with ten heads of state and the queen herself and I still would have interrupted him with the conversation that went something like this,

“I need you. Now. I can’t begin to tell you what just happened, but suffice it to say that I am standing outside the public restrooms covered in pee. I need Caitlin’s diaper bag. Right now. Meet me. Now. Please! Please hurry!”

He must have felt like a 911 dispatcher because he hauled ASS to get to me, his legs pumping furiously, the stroller zooming over the concrete at NASCAR-worthy speeds. Near tears, I quickly explained what happened as I thrust a soaked Caitlin onto the nearest bench to change her. As if I had not made a big enough spectacle of myself, Ty chose that precise moment to start wailing like a banshee about wanting to get out of the stroller. I sent a silent Thank You to God that we were a two parent team, as we made quick work of getting the kids all settled. Jeremy graciously volunteered to run into Old Navy and buy me a new outfit to change out of.

So here’s the scary part, the part that tells you I have lost my mind after having kids - I declined his offer.

Yep, that’s right.

In lieu of fresh clean clothes, I opted to use the high-powered hand dryers in the restroom I had just left to simply desiccate the pee from my outfit. I mean, what’s the point of having clean clothes if you cover them with a previously pee-soaked Baby Bjorn?

So I sucked it up. With a smile on my face. And wore the offending clothes for the rest of the night.

No really. Ask Jeremy. I did!

AND, I proceeded to hold my head up high as I returned to the scene of the crime a few minutes later to purchase my Gymboree selections. I continued shopping for the rest of the afternoon, like nothing had happened. I wore the clothes to dinner. I wore them for the rest of the evening. Through a movie too.

Have I lost my mind? Perhaps. I’d like to think I was just taking one for the team.

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