Mama Nuggle

Life is all about timing. And rules. And rules about timing. And planning. And rules about planning your time. I have several unofficial rules that I follow when it comes to planning an extended amount of time off from work:

1. Babies are meant to be born in the spring (or summer.) Unless you live in Alaska - in which case, God help you - who wants to be off when it is cold and snowy?

2. If you need to be off work for medical reasons, you need to do it when the weather is warm. (See rule #1)

3. Wait for the “window of opportunity.” That means that all major surgeries, vacations, childbirth, and (un)expected sickness must happen when the sun is out and the average temperature is above 73 degrees. (See rule #2)

4. Every two years, I need a Leave of Absence (hereby referred to as LOA) to keep me sane.

5. LOA’s occur in even numbered years only (2006, 2008, 2010…) and usually begin in April or May.

This year, my LOA is not because of a joyous occasion like the birth of a baby (as in 2006 and 2008), but because I somehow managed to thoroughly tear up the meniscus in my knee. And, because of a crazy surgical calendar and a national meeting, my time off somehow managed to fall in the spring. (Gee, I wonder how that happened?!?!?)

“But wait Lori!” you’re saying… “How can you possibly get time off from work? I know I couldn’t! I am way too important and busy to take time off! And my company needs me! And I can’t possibly (*gasp*) plan to be off for an extended period of time without everything going to hell in a handbasket!”

Well, you would be wrong. NO ONE is that important. Not even (shockingly enough) me.

If you think you can’t take time off, be it a week or a month or more, ask yourself this: “if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, what would my company do? Would it fold? Collapse? File bankrupcty? Cease to function?”

I am guessing that unless you are self-employed, your company would find a way to absorb your workload and manage to survive without you.

You disagree? Have you ever heard the expression that “you are only essential until they don’t need you anymore?” Well, I have. And since a sleek metal walker lovingly adorned with fluorescent green tennis balls was SO NOT the fashion statement I wanted to make, I needed to have my knee operated on - STAT! As it is, I have waited for more than a year to have this surgery (read : subsequent time off) and let’s face it, my knee wasn’t getting better on its own. So, my work can live without me. My family can’t.

So, how can you get time off - and still have a job waiting for you when you get back? Simple: strategically devise an interim plan that rivals modern warfare in its scope and complexity. Remember: your goal is to get that time off, but have your company and colleagues glad when you come back. Here are my ESSENTIAL RULES for getting that time off:

1. You must notify your boss many, many months in advance. Because, inevitably, some crisis will throw your “planning” off and you will need to punt. And if you haven’t planned for your absence, your company is not likely to approve your leave.

2. Select your replacement. They must be savvy, intelligent, knowledgeable, ambitious, friendly, and likable. But not too likable that no one wants you to come back in favor of keeping your replacement.

3. Let your co-workers know who will be in charge of covering your workload while you are off. Let them know you will be going out on XX/XX/XXXX date - come hell, high water, or national emergency. 

4. Clear your desk, inbox, and phone of all stuff that “only I can do.”  Sigh deeply, as this will never happen again in the history of your lifetime.

4. Turn on your out-of-office and show faith in your replacement by letting them do the job they are entrusted to do. Enjoy shirking your responsibilities for a while. Breathe a big sigh of relief. After all, it is not your responsibility to handle the everyday chaos that happens - that’s why it’s called a LEAVE of ABSENCE.

And now, for the non-work work related stuff that is really critical to making the most of your time off:

* Fill your prescription for pain-killers in advance. Stock-pile if needed. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a house by yourself, unable to drive, and being out of those oh-so-comforting meds. Except maybe a straightjacket. Which you will need if you don’t get those meds in advance. Trust me on this one.

* Clean your house. Thoroughly. Because for the next few weeks, no one else is going to do it. Unless, like me, you have taught your toddlers how to wield a dustbuster. In which case, you may be able to avoid dust bunnies swirling across your hardwoods. Besides, even if enough debris accumulates to impede your access to the couch, you won’t care about it either.  (That’s the magic of Vicodin.)

* Do every last scrap of laundry. Because, unless you are out of clean underwear (which, by the way, is optional on LOA) you really aren’t going to give a flying fig Newton about the mounds of dirty towels that are clogging up your laundry room for the next few weeks.

* Religiously DVR every chick flick, crime drama, and reality TV show known to man. Memorize the Bravo TV line up. Search and record every Ryan-Seacrest-produced show on E! TV.  To be fully prepared, my rule of thumb is that you need 16 shows for every week you are off. Give yourself bonus points for successfully recording an entire series of The Real Housewives and managing to keep your husband from “accidentally” deleting. Ditto for any Kevin Costner movie and for Criminal Minds. (Truly, is there anything better than Shemar Moore every week? I think not.)

* Load up your pantry with every flavor of fat-laden, salty snacks known to man. Buy in bulk. Hit Costco like a snowstorm is coming. Forget bread, milk, and eggs. You won’t bother to eat those anyway. But don’t forget the toilet paper. Again, reference my last point for clarity - you don’t wanna be without this stuff!! Besides, LOA means that you can eat leftover Chinese and cookie-dough ice cream for breakfast, and chase it down with a Propel and a vicodin. No one but you will care - unless, of course, you allow your kids the same pleasures. Because a visit from Child Protective Services is certainly not the house call you want to have.

* Make a trip to your local public library and reserve every new book by Danielle Steel, James Patterson, Stuart Woods, and Jen Lancaster (my new favorite author, who does “snark” like no other.) It’s cheap! It’s free! It’s an easy way to “look busy” while working on your tan!

* If at all humanly possible, send the kids to their grandparents’ house for the week. I personally like to be miserable in peace. With this surgery, changing diapers and chasing kids while on crutches simply was not a viable option. Hooray for Grammy and Pop-pop! They graciously gave me the quietest four days I have had in the past five years!

*Upgrade your cell phone plan to include unlimited talk and texts. Use this to torture co-workers and up your entertainment quotient for the week. Example:

Hey - what’s new? Oh, no, I didn’t see that e-mail. No, its too hard to read the tiny screen on my Crackberry with all the glare from the sun, even with my Chanel knock-off sunglasses on. Why is it so bright? Oh, did I forget to mention I am on my deck in the 79 degree weather, icing my knee? Oh, sales suck? Hmm… I must have missed that. Yeah, no, sorry, I haven’t really been keeping track of the stock price this week. My biggest accomplishments today were navigating the stairs and getting a shower. No, I didn’t know that was due. Oh, it’s due at 5 PM today? I hope that she sends it in for me… Oh! Whoops! Sorry, sorry, I dropped the phone. Funny how slippery my hands get with all that tanning oil on… Oh, yeah, I thought it would be a good idea to let the sun warm me up a bit. Yeah, I have been so busy today. I finished the book Bright Lights, Big Ass in record time. The only thing better than that was managing to carry my cranberry pomegranate cocktail outside without spilling a drop! It’s so festive! All that crushed ice, capped off with a tiny pink parasol and a cherry-orange garnish. Yessss…. I realize it is only 1 P.M… No, no, of course it is just juice. Of course I know it’s dangerous to mix alcohol and painkillers. Pffft. I am not Heath Ledger or anything.    Oh, you have to run? So soon? Oh yeah, no, no problem. I didn’t realize you were trying to get a performance review done. Yeah, that’s OK, call me back later. But not around 4 - that’s when Oprah is on. Oh, yeah, sure. Have fun today. Talk to you soon! Love ya - ‘bye!!

See what I mean? How much fun was that? That’s priceless entertainment there, baby!

So… have I inspired you to “get away” yet? Well, get your ducks in a row. Call your doctor. Schedule that surgery. Turn on that Out-of-office. Plan for your absence. And yes, “take leave while the sun shines!”

Hey work - see you in May!

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