Mama Nuggle

I have learned countless things that I did not know before becoming a parent. We’ve all heard of Murphy’s Law, but I would like to propose to you for scientific evaluation and intelligent debate “the Laws of Parenting.” Because there are so many principles of this proposed Law, I will introduce them to you a few at a time:

The first three principles:

Principle #1: The amount of time takes you to complete a routine task (if you were childless) is multiplied exponentially by the number of children living under your roof.

Think of it in terms of a basic math equation.

1 task X 1 Child = 2 times as long to complete said task
1 task X 2 Children = 5 times as long to complete said task
1 task X 3 Children = 8 times as long to complete said task

Like any complex mathematical problem, there are several factors that determine your ability to compute the correct answer to “how long WILL this task take me?” (Note: I did not say how long SHOULD it take, because I live in the real world here.)

Some of those variables are:

Are any of the children infants under the age of 1? Then add 3 to your original answer, because invariably there will be a hungry child screaming or poopy diaper to be changed while you are trying to complete the original task.

Are any of the children are between the ages of 1 and 4? Then add 4 to your original answer, because there will be an inevitable toddler meltdown / temper tantrum that occurs in response to you loudly shouting ”No!” or ”Don’t touch that!” repeatedly while trying to complete said task.

For children ages 5 through 12, add 1 to your original answer just for the heck of it.

For children / teenagers aged 13 through 18, add 3 to the original answer because you will certainly need to stop at some point while trying to complete said task and utter a phrase such as “Stop rolling your eyes at me!” or “Did you do your homework?” or “Turn that music down!” or “NO TEXTING AT THE DINNER TABLE!” which will throw your progress off track.

***This principle came courtesy of a Twitter conversation between Elliott at 21stcenturydad and my husband Jeremy of Discovering Dad. Thanks, guys!***

Principle #2: You will begin to ”invent” errands that need to be run TODAY so you can slip out of the house for a few minutes sans children. Keep in mind that errands are important s**t that need to be done, and you are “helping” by checking them off the to do list. Never mind that you actually placed them on the to do list just so you could leave the house. Let’s hope no one else figures this out besides us. It’ll be our secret. Pinky swear.

The downside of the errands ruse is that the desire to run errands ALONE is so strong that you, the parents, may actually fight over who gets to accomplish said errand. So pick your proposed errand wisely… here is an example of a typical pre-errand run conversation in my house with Discovering Dad (AKA Jeremy):

Me: “Honey, I need to run out for a few minutes today.”
DD: “What do you need? Where do you need to go?”
Me: “Um, well, I thought I’d go to Wal-Mart… we need blah blah blah. And then I thought I’d swing by the bank, and maybe Costco, and then I need to go to the library. Oh, and if I have time, the oil needs changed in the Toyota.”
DD: “Do you really need to do all that today? (Read: are you really planning on leaving me here with the little monsters for that many hours without expecting me to go all postal?)
Me: “Um, yeah. I was. But, I guess I can wait to get the oil changed another day. I mean, I can stay here if YOU want to go to Wal-Mart.” This, I know, is the equivalent of asking Jeremy if he wants to have an apple shoved in his mouth and be slow roasted like a pig over the glowing coals of an outdoor fire pit. Seriously, he hates Wal-Mart so much I think he’d chose the spit over running THAT particular errand.
DD: “No, I do not want to go to Wal-Mart. Are you sure you really need this stuff today? How long will it take you?
Me, silently thinking: ”Score! Jeremy just conceded the errand run to me! I can go! Free at last, free at last, Thank God Almighty… free at last!  Ok, Lori, don’t be greedy. You’re getting out of the house. Promise to be back as quick as possible. You can do it!”
What actually comes out of my mouth: “Um, maybe like three hours? Depending on how long the checkout lines are? I’ll call you to let you know how things are running, ok?”

(I quickly grab my purse, coupons, and my keys, thrust the baby at him, and sprint to the car before he can change his mind! WOO HOO! I DID IT!)

Just so you know, there are some errands that your spouse will willingly do if it gets them out of the house and away from the kids.

For example, the bank and Costco are Jeremy-approved stops. So, in order to be able to do the errands myself, I must throw in another dreaded stop, like Wal-Mart (see above). Other examples of dreaded places are the grocery store, BabiesRUs or someplace for me, like the nail salon.  It is critical that you add a place that your spouse hates to the destination list in order to successfully win the “I’m the one who’s going” coin toss. Keep that in mind when planning out your to-do list this week.

Principle #3: The child that is your pride and joy, the child you love more than life itself, the child that you would do anything for, will invariably at some point in every day, make you wonder if Goodwill accepts donations of much loved, gently worn children.

I love my son Ty. I really, really do.

He makes me laugh. He has begun to string together words and sentences that make me wonder “Where’d he learn that?” He makes my eyes sparkle. He makes my heart swell with pride. He allows me to appreciate all the little, everyday things through the wondrous eyes of a child.

And lately, he has made me contemplate putting him in a permanent time out.

You see, Ty has been going through the terrible two’s since he turned a year old. That’s right. Since he turned one, we have experienced unforgettable raucous tantrums. He’s so advanced, that Ty.

Which, not like I am counting or anything, means there has been oh, say, 15 months of meltdowns here at our house?

It’s not just about verbal outbursts. Oh no. I can deal with a little yelling now and then.

To make things worse, Mommy’s little angel Ty has several tricks up his sleeve.

Like banging his head against any hard flat surface until he has our attention.
Or lunging onto the floor, usually backwards, and proceeding to clunk his head. Hard. Which he then “presents” to me for an “all better” kiss.
Or throwing toys over the gate or directly at the object of his anger (which is usually me.)
Or screaming “Mama hold! Mama hold Ty!! over and over again in a Rainman-worthy outburst. While manufacturing real tears and flailing himself at me, or on to me, as the case may be.
Or licking my leg. Or my face. Or my tongue. (I have no idea where he learned this one.)
Or biting my toes. Or my knees. Or, like yesterday, my lips.
Or my personal favorite, smacking like he is Mike Tyson in the 9th round. Come to think of it, maybe he learned all of the above from Tyson???

Did I mention that at 26 months, Ty weighs almost 40 lbs and is 39″ tall?  So yeah, that hitting HURTS.

Oh, and did I mention that Ty is a mama’s boy? And that I brought a newborn home this summer, which has added jealousy to his ever-present frustration? And that Ty does not appreciate that my lap cannot hold two kids comfortably at once? And that, basically, all Ty’s frustration is now directed at me and Caitlin?

Intellectually, I know that these meltdowns are a result of his frustration at not being able to communicate his wants or needs when he wants or needs something. But, it is a little hard to not take them personally. I have read the advice, I have tried virtually everything I know how to do to negate his behavior while he’s in this stage. And I know that “this too shall pass.”

It doesn’t mean I love Ty any less.

But it does mean that I may need to invent some errands to get me out of the house for a while. Note to Jeremy: Don’t worry honey, I’ll be back by the time he turns 3!

Tune in again for more principles of the “Law of Parenting” … and while you’re at it, send me your own “principles”… I can be reached at lori@mamanuggle.com or on Twitter as @mamanuggle.

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