Mama Nuggle

Editor’s note:This is a continuation of the series “the Laws of Parenting.‘”

As I mentioned before, I have learned countless things that I did not know before becoming a parent.

If you missed the first three principles of this law that I proposed in Part 1, please click here to get caught up! For those of you joining me again, thank you! Now, on with the discussion and debate:

Principle #4: Upon entering any restaurant that does not have a “ball crawl,” one or more children will immediately begin to display behavior not fit for public viewing.

It does not matter how much you have attempted to prepare for what was supposed to be a pleasant meal cooked by someone other than you or an immediate family member. It does not matter what kind of food and drink you have stashed inside the diaper bag as a preemptive strive to stave off hunger and starvation. It won’t matter which toys you have stuffed into that diaper bag (or your purse, or the stroller, or the car seat.) Nope, you may as well have just left all that extra crap at home.

Because, you see, your child will immediately WANT NONE OF WHATEVER YOU BROUGHT INTO SAID RESTAURANT in the hopes of entertaining them.

They WILL, however, want to stand on the benches in the waiting area. They WILL attempt to pull or push open the doors of said restaurant. They will throw themselves - head first - onto the deeply soiled and stained, absolutely FILTHY all-weather mat by the front door, begin SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER and loudly shriek phrases of total gibberish. Phrases which are uttered at a decibel understood only by dogs and dolphins.

But don’t worry about what is being said by your child. Oh no. For the words themselves don’t really matter all that much. Instead, through body language only, it will immediately become clear to EVERYONE IN THE RESTAURANT that your child is deeply unhappy. And no matter what you attempt to do - cajoling, bribery, tickling - absolutely nothing will work to stop the fury of a despondent toddler.

It is at that point that you will contemplate just leaving now.

You should probably heed that inner voice. It’s smarter than you are, you know.

Instead, like a crab fisherman in the midst of a blizzard on the Bering Sea, you will attempt to weather the storm. Big Mistake. The elements always win.

In this case, the element is a wayward toddler.

While you quickly reach your breaking point, he or she is just gearing up.

While you have been trying to reason your child way out of the tantrum with promises of french fries and threats of time out, your child is busy thinking: “Ha, ha! Don’t mom and dad know my tricks by now? They’re toting enough stuff to fill a U-Haul! Boy, all my toys are sure weighing them down! Do they really think ANY of the stuff they brought will really keep me happy? Are they serious?? … Hmmm… wait a second, anyone else notice that Daddy sure moves A LOT slower when he is carrying my stuff? I can definitely make it through the maze of tables, around the wait staff, and into the kitchen before he catches me!”

And, as Simon Cowell says, “Off you go!”

The race begins… your toddler steaming ahead, heedless of the impending danger, you wheezing like a three pack-a-day chain smoker, toys flying everywhere, as you take off in hot pursuit. All this happens much to the smirking delight and amusement of other diners, and the embarrassment of the the rest of your party. Who, I might add, is still waiting in the lobby, silently praying for the seating pager to vibrate and flash that your table is ready - soon.

Little do they know (clearly the rest of your party is childless) that the ordeal is far from over.

The “simple act” of just being seated bring us to Principle #5: Your child will buck like a wild bronco when attempting to place them into their designated seat at the table. Because, as any parent knows, kids hate sitting still more than they hate waiting for the table to be ready.

It does not matter if they will be sitting in a car seat, a high chair, a booster seat, a real chair, or a booth. Nope. Kids hate all things that attempt to confine them in one place, and seating in a restaurant certainly tries to accomplish that. Not even the lure of artery-clogging trans fats (proffered in the form of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets and crispy, salty french fries) will entice them to sit still. Even if you manage to hog tie your kids into their seat (which earns you a medal right off the bat!) you have not won the war yet. For getting them into the chair can mean only one thing: now the fun REALLY begins!

Do you have any idea what kind of weaponry can be found on a typical restaurant table? If you have boys, I bet you’re aware of the potential dangers lurking within their grasp. If you are fortunate enough to only have girls, I’ll be kind enough to enlighten you: Silverware. Glasses. Drinks. Sippy cups. Straws. Sugar packets. Butter. Creamer. Glass salt and pepper shakers. Place mats. Ketchup bottles. Mustard jars. Crayons. Napkins. Saltine crackers. All of which are just waiting to be launched. Preferably at other diners. And this is before the food arrives!

Little boys just HAVE to touch things that don’t belong to them (setting a trend which will continue for the rest of their lives. Remember Tailhook? OK, digression. Moving on.) Especially if they are sharp or able to be thrown easily. Especially if you have told them “no, don’t touch.”

So you managed to get them seated. And order. Congratulations! But, don’t get too excited yet! You still have roughly the same odds of actually being able to eat your meal in peace as oh, say, winning the lottery. A snowball in hell stands a better chance than you do.

So how are you going to manage to eat some part of your meal? How will you keep the meltdowns to a minimum? Basically, the rule of survival is simple… and it applies to more than just dining out. In fact, I bet you use this strategy every day as a parent.

Without further adieu, may I present Principle #6: Parenting by distraction.

Yup, you read that right. Distraction. Basically, keeping the peace is an ever-so-slightly more sophisticated form of Bait and Switch. It works best when used as part of a parenting tag-team, but can be effective when used by just one parent. In essence, parenting by distraction is the never-ending attempt to refocus your child’s attention from something negative/dangerous/loud/messy onto something well, less so.

When you throw more than one child into the mix, parents must get more proficient at this principle. Quickly.

“How does this work?” you ask. Well, when your child wants to do or have something not acceptable, you keep offering your kid other options that you think are OK. Like this:

Child: mama dwink? soda? Mama DWINK? Soda? MAMA DWINK!!!! SODA!!!!! MAMA SODA DWINK!!!!!!! (this demand escalates frantically into shouting and is accompanied by banging on the table.)

Me: “Ty, you have a drink.  You have two, in fact. See, your milk is here. And your cup is there. Which do you want?”

Child: MAMA SODA DWINK NOW!!!! Meaning, Ty wants my drink, not his. Which mine is, of course, Diet Pepsi. Which Ty LOVES. No, I am not kidding.)

Me: Oh, look Ty, Croutons! Do you want croutons? Or crackers?

Child: MAMA SODA DWINK NOW!!!! MAMA SODA DWINK NOW!!!! More banging. A crayon is launched at my head. More banging. Some kicking, too.

(Editor’s note: At this point I wipe the sweat off my forehead and offer Ty my drink because 1) I suck and 2) I just want him to shut up.) This seems to pacify him for like a minute, until he begins rocking the high chair so hard I fear it may tip over. And yelling “OUT! DOWN! DOWN! DOWN!” And I say, “No Ty, we are going to eat dinner here. You need to stay in your seat.” Which works about as well as politely asking bin Laden to surrender. It doesn’t.

So I do the only thing I can do. When all else fails, move into Phase 2 of parenting by distraction: offer up your spouse as a sacrificial lamb.  I know, heartless right? But that doesn’t stop me from doing it. I turn to my husband and say “Jeremy, want to take him to see the parking lot?  So he can play in traffic?” (OK, just kidding about the traffic part. Kinda.)

And Jeremy, being the great dad he is, obliges both of us. And they head to the parking lot, with Ty struggling and yelping all the way. They exit, much to the delight of myself and the other patrons of this fine restaurant.

I spend the next 3 minutes and 42 seconds hanging my head in embarrassment, shoveling in as much food as I possibly can, and preparing for ”my turn” which is coming up next during the tag team effort of parenting by distraction.  What will I do to entertain darling Ty when he comes back in, no doubt kicking and screaming all the way? Will I successfully be able to feed Ty his dinner - since we came to the restaurant to actually EAT?

Naw, not a CHANCE. Lucky for us, the kid doesn’t really enjoy eating. He does, however, like games which involve eye-hand-mouth coordination. So we have taken to feeding him like ducks at the park, by tossing him snippets of french fries which he then catches in his mouth. As he weaves around and under the table. What, you didn’t think I was going to actually try to put Ty back in his seat, did you? We’re optimistic, but not CRAZY!!! Now, if I can only get him into the car seat to go home…

So, what do you do to make eating out less of a struggle? Any tips or tricks you’d like to share? Let me know!

I have learned countless things that I did not know before becoming a parent. We’ve all heard of Murphy’s Law, but I would like to propose to you for scientific evaluation and intelligent debate “the Laws of Parenting.” Because there are so many principles of this proposed Law, I will introduce them to you a few at a time:

The first three principles:

Principle #1: The amount of time takes you to complete a routine task (if you were childless) is multiplied exponentially by the number of children living under your roof.

Think of it in terms of a basic math equation.

1 task X 1 Child = 2 times as long to complete said task
1 task X 2 Children = 5 times as long to complete said task
1 task X 3 Children = 8 times as long to complete said task

Like any complex mathematical problem, there are several factors that determine your ability to compute the correct answer to “how long WILL this task take me?” (Note: I did not say how long SHOULD it take, because I live in the real world here.)

Some of those variables are:

Are any of the children infants under the age of 1? Then add 3 to your original answer, because invariably there will be a hungry child screaming or poopy diaper to be changed while you are trying to complete the original task.

Are any of the children are between the ages of 1 and 4? Then add 4 to your original answer, because there will be an inevitable toddler meltdown / temper tantrum that occurs in response to you loudly shouting ”No!” or ”Don’t touch that!” repeatedly while trying to complete said task.

For children ages 5 through 12, add 1 to your original answer just for the heck of it.

For children / teenagers aged 13 through 18, add 3 to the original answer because you will certainly need to stop at some point while trying to complete said task and utter a phrase such as “Stop rolling your eyes at me!” or “Did you do your homework?” or “Turn that music down!” or “NO TEXTING AT THE DINNER TABLE!” which will throw your progress off track.

***This principle came courtesy of a Twitter conversation between Elliott at 21stcenturydad and my husband Jeremy of Discovering Dad. Thanks, guys!***

Principle #2: You will begin to ”invent” errands that need to be run TODAY so you can slip out of the house for a few minutes sans children. Keep in mind that errands are important s**t that need to be done, and you are “helping” by checking them off the to do list. Never mind that you actually placed them on the to do list just so you could leave the house. Let’s hope no one else figures this out besides us. It’ll be our secret. Pinky swear.

The downside of the errands ruse is that the desire to run errands ALONE is so strong that you, the parents, may actually fight over who gets to accomplish said errand. So pick your proposed errand wisely… here is an example of a typical pre-errand run conversation in my house with Discovering Dad (AKA Jeremy):

Me: “Honey, I need to run out for a few minutes today.”
DD: “What do you need? Where do you need to go?”
Me: “Um, well, I thought I’d go to Wal-Mart… we need blah blah blah. And then I thought I’d swing by the bank, and maybe Costco, and then I need to go to the library. Oh, and if I have time, the oil needs changed in the Toyota.”
DD: “Do you really need to do all that today? (Read: are you really planning on leaving me here with the little monsters for that many hours without expecting me to go all postal?)
Me: “Um, yeah. I was. But, I guess I can wait to get the oil changed another day. I mean, I can stay here if YOU want to go to Wal-Mart.” This, I know, is the equivalent of asking Jeremy if he wants to have an apple shoved in his mouth and be slow roasted like a pig over the glowing coals of an outdoor fire pit. Seriously, he hates Wal-Mart so much I think he’d chose the spit over running THAT particular errand.
DD: “No, I do not want to go to Wal-Mart. Are you sure you really need this stuff today? How long will it take you?
Me, silently thinking: ”Score! Jeremy just conceded the errand run to me! I can go! Free at last, free at last, Thank God Almighty… free at last!  Ok, Lori, don’t be greedy. You’re getting out of the house. Promise to be back as quick as possible. You can do it!”
What actually comes out of my mouth: “Um, maybe like three hours? Depending on how long the checkout lines are? I’ll call you to let you know how things are running, ok?”

(I quickly grab my purse, coupons, and my keys, thrust the baby at him, and sprint to the car before he can change his mind! WOO HOO! I DID IT!)

Just so you know, there are some errands that your spouse will willingly do if it gets them out of the house and away from the kids.

For example, the bank and Costco are Jeremy-approved stops. So, in order to be able to do the errands myself, I must throw in another dreaded stop, like Wal-Mart (see above). Other examples of dreaded places are the grocery store, BabiesRUs or someplace for me, like the nail salon.  It is critical that you add a place that your spouse hates to the destination list in order to successfully win the “I’m the one who’s going” coin toss. Keep that in mind when planning out your to-do list this week.

Principle #3: The child that is your pride and joy, the child you love more than life itself, the child that you would do anything for, will invariably at some point in every day, make you wonder if Goodwill accepts donations of much loved, gently worn children.

I love my son Ty. I really, really do.

He makes me laugh. He has begun to string together words and sentences that make me wonder “Where’d he learn that?” He makes my eyes sparkle. He makes my heart swell with pride. He allows me to appreciate all the little, everyday things through the wondrous eyes of a child.

And lately, he has made me contemplate putting him in a permanent time out.

You see, Ty has been going through the terrible two’s since he turned a year old. That’s right. Since he turned one, we have experienced unforgettable raucous tantrums. He’s so advanced, that Ty.

Which, not like I am counting or anything, means there has been oh, say, 15 months of meltdowns here at our house?

It’s not just about verbal outbursts. Oh no. I can deal with a little yelling now and then.

To make things worse, Mommy’s little angel Ty has several tricks up his sleeve.

Like banging his head against any hard flat surface until he has our attention.
Or lunging onto the floor, usually backwards, and proceeding to clunk his head. Hard. Which he then “presents” to me for an “all better” kiss.
Or throwing toys over the gate or directly at the object of his anger (which is usually me.)
Or screaming “Mama hold! Mama hold Ty!! over and over again in a Rainman-worthy outburst. While manufacturing real tears and flailing himself at me, or on to me, as the case may be.
Or licking my leg. Or my face. Or my tongue. (I have no idea where he learned this one.)
Or biting my toes. Or my knees. Or, like yesterday, my lips.
Or my personal favorite, smacking like he is Mike Tyson in the 9th round. Come to think of it, maybe he learned all of the above from Tyson???

Did I mention that at 26 months, Ty weighs almost 40 lbs and is 39″ tall?  So yeah, that hitting HURTS.

Oh, and did I mention that Ty is a mama’s boy? And that I brought a newborn home this summer, which has added jealousy to his ever-present frustration? And that Ty does not appreciate that my lap cannot hold two kids comfortably at once? And that, basically, all Ty’s frustration is now directed at me and Caitlin?

Intellectually, I know that these meltdowns are a result of his frustration at not being able to communicate his wants or needs when he wants or needs something. But, it is a little hard to not take them personally. I have read the advice, I have tried virtually everything I know how to do to negate his behavior while he’s in this stage. And I know that “this too shall pass.”

It doesn’t mean I love Ty any less.

But it does mean that I may need to invent some errands to get me out of the house for a while. Note to Jeremy: Don’t worry honey, I’ll be back by the time he turns 3!

Tune in again for more principles of the “Law of Parenting” … and while you’re at it, send me your own “principles”… I can be reached at lori@mamanuggle.com or on Twitter as @mamanuggle.

I like to think that I am a relatively smart woman.
The grades listed on my formal education transcripts say that I am.

*However* there are some things in life I just don’t get.

Here is a list… if you can explain to me why these things occur, I’d love for you to skool me!
In no particular order:

How is it that our Yale and Harvard educated U.S. president, despite having said the word oh, say, a billion times over the past 8 years, cannot pronounce the word “terror” correctly? The way Mr. Bush says it, it sounds like “turd.” Since when in the word “terror” pronounced “tuurrrr-urr?” And why haven’t one of his 50,000 aides corrected his speech yet? It’s sad that Heidi Klum better enunciation skills than our own president.

When will the US budget be balanced in a way that doesn’t expand the national debt? Why doesn’t our government make more of an effort to do so? Washington DC is populated by some of the most brilliant minds in the universe. Many of our elected officials have earned advanced degrees from prestigious institutions of higher learning. So why is it so hard to abide by the simple rule “don’t spend more than you earn?”

Is there really a “Kennedy” curse? Or, is this family more prone to tragedy because wealth and power provide access to “riskier” situations like flying a plane or becoming an assassin’s target? Or is it just that we hear about tragic circumstances that befall influential people more readily than those of “common” folks?

Why would have Prince Charles preferred Camilla over vivacious Diana? Even the “grass is greener” explanation just doesn’t make sense here.

Why, after the whole I’m-as-crazy-as-a-loon head-shaving incident, can’t Britney Spears get a decent set of extensions? Her old ones look like she has never washed them, and the new ones do nothing to camouflage her washed out puffiness. In fact, I think she is the new Courtney Love. ’Nuff said.

If you think that no one participating in the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics will test positive for using performance-enhancing substances, you would be mistaken. 80% of athletes surveyed at the Sydney Games admitted taking at least one substance and another 20% admitted five or more, and one ‘junkie’ admitted taking 26 different concoctions. Who do you predict will get caught during this year’s summer games?

Quick: Name the only two industrialized countries that don’t provide guaranteed paid medical or maternity leave for new mothers! Why, that’d be the United States and Australia of course! Out of 168 nations, 163 had some form of paid maternity leave. Aside from these two, Lesotho, Papua New Guinea and Swaziland are the only others on the list. (Can you even find those other nations on a map??? I can’t!)

Though five U.S. states offer some form of mandated paid leave, the remainder of mothers nationwide do not receive any guarantees of paid leave. The exception to this is the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) which gives 12 weeks of job-protected leave for people employed by companies with 50 employees or more. However, this leave is not paid. How ridiculous!

In September, George Soros, the Hungarian-born financier and committed supporter of democracy around the world, said he would give $50 million over five years to help fight AIDS and poverty in Africa. Part of his donation will go toward providing HIV/AIDS treatment in 33 villages in ten sub-Saharan countries. Sir Richard Branson, the publicity-friendly entrepreneur behind Virgin Group, started an AIDS treatment center and pledged to donate up to $3 billion of profits from Virgin’s train and airline businesses to fight global warming.

James Sorenson, the genius inventor, left his entire $4.5 billion fortune to help disadvantaged children, schools and medical facilities in Sorenson’s home state of Utah. Blackstone co-founder Peter Peterson gave $1 billion to his own foundation, which hopes to raise awareness on America’s out-of-control federal deficit. David Rockefeller, the only living grandchild of Standard Oil founder John D. Rockefeller, gave $100 million to Harvard, the largest gift the school has ever received from an alumnus.

In 2006, gifts from 12 individuals totaled almost $35 billion. Why don’t these individuals get more positive press for trying to change the world?

How is it that America’s Most Wanted has captured 1021 criminals to date, and the US military can’t find Osama Bin Laden?

Why are there so many professional athletes in jail? Some notables in the NFL Jailhouse Hall of Shame: Perhaps the most hated, vilified, and best known felon to make my list is Former Atlanta Falcon’s Pro Bowl quarterback Michael Vick. Vick is currently serving a 23 month sentence for running an illegal dogfighting ring out of his mansion.

Stupidity and criminal activity must run in the family… Michael’s younger brother Marcus Vick- a former Virginia Tech standout - was convicted of marijuana possession, contributing to the delinquency of a minor by having sex with an underage 15 year old girl when Marcus was 17. Later, in 2006, Marcus Vick pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in connection with an incident in Suffolk, VA where a gun was pulled on patrons of a local McDonald’s! Though he briefly played for the Miami Dolphins, Marcus has been busy off the field. Since that time, the younger Vick has been arrested four times and is currently charged with DUI, misdemeanor eluding police, reckless driving and driving on a suspended license. Marcus Vick is awaiting his day in court.

Adam “Pacman” Jones had a lengthy rap sheet before entering the NFL, and has been arrested 6 times SINCE joining the Tennessee Titans. He has multiple convictions for assault, drug possession, and felony vandalism.  Most recently, Pacman was involved in a Las Vegas strip club incident last year that left three people shot and one man paralyzed. Just a few months later, Sadia Morrison - who was with Jones during the Vegas incident - was found dead in New York under suspicious circumstances. Coincidence?

Some other notable NFL criminals: St. Louis Ram Leonard Little was convicted of DUI and involuntary manslaughter for killing a woman in 1998. He was arrested again in 2004 for DUI. Former Carolina Panther Rae Carruth is currently serving a nineteen- to twenty-four-year sentence for conspiring to kill his pregnant girlfriend, Cherica Adams, and their unborn baby. Adams died of multiple gunshot wounds in 1999.

Some other names and cases you may have heard about: Former Green Bay Packers’ tight end Mark Chmura was arrested on allegations of third degree sexual assault on the girl that babysat for his two children (he was later found not guilty) and for providing underage teenagers with alcohol at a post-prom party.  Baltimore’s own hometown hero - the Ravens’ 9 time Pro Bowler Ray Lewis - was charged with double murder following a stabbing that left two man dead at a Buckhead club after the 2000 Super Bowl in at Atlanta. (He later accepted a plea bargain and testified against his former friends. Lewis plead guilty to a lesser charge of obstruction of justice, received 1 year probation and record $250,000 fine by the NFL.)

And the litany of “fallen heroes” continues:After Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez of TLC burned down their house after a fight, Former NFL star and Toronto Argonauts receiver Andre Rison became infamous. Just a few years later, Rison’s off-field woes continued, when Rison was sentenced to jail for failing to pay $107,000 in back child support. Tampa Bay Storm Arena League linebacker Darion Conner got fifteen years for drunkenly running over and killing bicyclist Jonathan Michael Conklin in September 2004. In 2006, Michigan State defensive back Cole Corey was sentenced to two to ten years for sexual assault and rape. An offensive tackle and a defensive end for Texas A&M were indicted for felony robbery.

In 2006, at least 35 NFL players were arrested on charges ranging from disorderly conduct to felony burglary. Not all were convicted, but how many NFL players have a criminal record stemming from prior convictions?

Certainly, football is not the only sport to see its share of “fallen heroes.” A 2004 survey found that a whopping 40% of NBA players listed on the 2000-2001 roster had a criminal record! Every major sport has been tainted by the stain of bad behavior. Obviously, money and fame does not exempt one from making bad decisions, but does, in fact, provide access to better lawyers. What would the outcome have been for these former “stars” if they were forced to use public defenders at trial? Would that have deterred them from committing these heinous crimes in the first place?

All in all, these are just a handful of the issues that I question and struggle with. What are yours? What makes you scratch your head and wonder why? Leave me a comment so we can open the discussion (and maybe even get some answers along with some spirited debate!)